Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Farewell, Grandmother.

If someone would’ve told me my grandmother would be gone so soon, the way she went, I wouldn’t have believed them. Death is normally so difficult for me but this time my heart was content. Naturally I was hurt by the separation of heaven and earth... but not saddened. But. For months I’ve felt crippled and emotionless. The tears and guilt still present.. as I wonder aimlessly trying to find an outlet toward peace. My biggest question has been “Did I do enough?”

My grandmother was the type of woman that was very proud. Not proud in the sense of feeling superior to others but proud to be able to give to others... even when she didn’t have it. I KNEW who my grandmother was. Her spirit, her love, and her kindness. But it was amazing reading kind words and speaking to so many others who loved her as much as we did!! The fact that she had enough to give us AND SOOOOOOO many others is amazing and I am still in awe.

We had the privilege of releasing my grandmother’s spiritual being to rest and she took our word when we told her we’d be fine. She went quietly in my arms. That experience taught me that beautiful moments in life are not just the smiles and laughter. God knew what she needed and what we HAD to experience.

My mom and grandmother sang a song when I was a child by the Philadelphia Mass Choir that said, “ It’s an uphill journey to glory and it may get hard sometimes. It’s an uphill journey to glory but you’ve got to keep climbing all the time. Storms may rise, winds may blow but you’ve got to keep going you’ve got a long way to go.” 

If ever I’m helping someone else cope... I’m also helping myself. I can only tell y’all what I know because of where I’ve been.

I won’t ever tell anyone else to “be strong”, as that can be insulting when we feel like we are knocked down to rock bottom. But instead BE BRAVE. Fight even when you can’t see where you’re headed. 
We’re all on a journey. Be kind to yourself and don’t let people dictate your growth. Go easy on yourself. You are not on anyone else’s time.

Life is so short. So fragile. So beautiful. Don’t let the valley distract you from the mountaintop.  Because there is ALWAYS a mountaintop. Some of us just decide to stop climbing. 

No matter what you do in this life.. keep going. Keep smiling. Keep living. It has been about six and a half months since she passed and this is by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to write. But it is necessary for my healing and growth. Grow through your pain. I believe my grandmother traded her life so we’d all learn to live ours and find who we are without her. I plan to honor that. Live free. Until we meet again. 

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