Friday, September 9, 2016

Confessions Pt. 6

"All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away"-Isaiah 64:6. These are the Confessions of a Struggling Christian.

This journey is nothing less than trying. There are times I feel alone. Times I contemplate giving up. Times I question if this is really real. And, I'll probably feel this way for awhile.

It's, a battle. There are times I feel like my journey will never ever get better. A tug between what my soul yearns for and what my mind tells me I logically need.

So, what are my confessions?

I love God but I don't always do right. My greatest flaw is telling God that I love him while still trying to live my life outside of the way that he has commanded me to. Sometimes I do this knowingly others I am just a fool who is living lost. But I love God. I love God as far as I think he can recognize my sins are sins and like he doesn't know who I truly am within. I love God when he blesses me and not when he tests me. I love God though. When I'm not treating others with the love of Christ, I love God when I'm not turning the other cheek. I love God when I don't really know if I love God.

Sometimes I can't pray. Because, I just can't find the words. Because, I refuse to open up my mouth. Because, I'm too tired. Whatever the reason may be in that moment, there is always something that blocks me from talking with God when I really need to. I'll ask others to pray for me when I should be praying for myself. 

I don't always read my bible. I know that the word said to study to show myself approved but I don't study. I have become okay with my morning scripture. I have become okay with bible study notes. I have become okay with notes from Sunday morning service. Most of which I will never even look at again. I complain that I am stuck and I never pick up the manual that gives me life's cheat sheet. I cry when I'm hurt and I never find comfort like I should in the reassurance of God's word. I quote scriptures like Jeremiah 29:11 because I've learned them and they make me feel better about my mess. But to be honest, Jeremiah and all 65 other books have a lot more to offer me than just a temporary feeling of contentment.

I don't always look like a Christian. In fact, most days I look nothing like one at all. Not because I do not believe but because I do not wear my belief nor exercise it. What does a Christian look like? Not me. Not at this point in my life. A Christian looks like they know that they know, that they know, that they know they know the God that they serve is all knowing and all powerful. A Christian walks upright and unashamed to be who they were created to be. They carry their cross and they are obedient in doing so. They know that even when life has it's trials and tribulations there is a bright side somewhere. They exercise their faith and by prayer and supplication they go to the throne boldly and tell God what they are in need of. They do not cower and give up when life gets hard. They live by the word and through the word, treating others the way we were instructed. They realize even when they are struggling, God still loves them.

It's been the most beautiful disaster though. It gives me reason to be objective and not be an "I" in my own life. It has given me reason to want to grow and be a far better person than I currently am, than I have been. All because it makes me realize one thing, I ain't that saved.

Signed, A Struggling Christian

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