Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Transparency



For many years I suffered with anxiety and depression, never telling a soul. I struggled with the false belief that I was not good enough and that I would never be. The trials of life had taken me to the worst place that I could possibly ever be in. It was so dark and lonely there!

 It started with my thoughts and at first it was only mental. But because thoughts shape who we are, these unhealthy thoughts turned cancerous and soon began to manifest in my body physically. From migraines to panic attacks.. You name it, my body felt the stress of it. 

I was unhappy with my weight. I was unhappy with the family that God had placed me in. I was unhappy with every aspect of my life. But I still went around like nothing was wrong at all. I went to church, I did well in school, and I had friends like any normal teenager. Still I was very unhappy and I often prayed that God would just let me die. I didn't understand how a person could have so many things around them and still be so unhappy.

All of this made me become very bitter and very angry. I'd get so mad that I felt as if I would explode. I'd black out. My hands would start to swell. My heart would begin to race. I can recall times I'd lock myself in my room for days, only coming out if necessary. I'd cry there, I'd pull my hair there, I'd beg God to take me away from there, and I'd hit the wall there to numb my pain. I knew that no one was coming to my rescue. I became a broken soul there.

I can remember when reality sat in for me. The very moment that my life was, a lie. I recall when I started break, when I shattered, and when I started to crumble. I never had the nerve to take my own life but I thought of many ways for "accidents" to happen. 

But.. one day after being broken for far too long I made a decision. I told myself, "I don't ever want to feel this way again." ..and just like that my life began to change. 

There are no more migraines. My anxiety has calmed. I am no longer depressed. There was no clinical help either. The only driving force and comfort that I had came from God. He would constantly remind me of Calvary. And, just to know that Jesus thought that I was to die for became enough for me. It is enough for me. I trust God too much to give up because of Calvary! You can have freedom from the bondage you are in. But you must want freedom. 

I'll leave you with this plea, be kind to everyone. You could be the reason they want to live.. or the reason they want to die. We don't know what anyone else in this world is facing. We don't know their mental. Even if you don't believe in my God, believe in humanity and be kind. Be kind enough to be the reason someone decides not to give up. 

If you or someone that you know suffers with a mental illness, please seek help. Whether it be clinical or spiritual, get help! Do not be afraid to tell someone that you are struggling. You will find that so many other people, sadly, can relate to you. Do not allow this life to weigh you down. You are more than enough and that is a fact! Please know that there are people that love you and that you are vital to making this world go around. You are never too broken to be healed. You are the answer to someone's prayer and one day you will understand this struggle. Please, hang in there.

Love,
Jasmine.

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